Stop Stopping Yourself: An Exercise for Getting Going.

As a coach, I ask a lot of questions with a very specific purpose: to get my clients to go beyond what they already know. My questions are an invitation to the unknown. Here are some of my favorites:

• If you had a magic wand, what would you create in your work life over the next 3 months?
• What would you be doing if you had total confidence?
• What are you yearning for?

Sometimes clients are totally stumped by a question and sit in silence for a few moments. Other times they are able to articulate a bit of an answer before reverting back to what they already know. It goes something like this:

“If I had a magic wand, I’d have a more flexible schedule, but my boss would never go for that.” 
Or, “With full confidence I would go back to school to get my nursing degree. The problem is I’m too old.” 
Or, “I’m yearning to work with kids. That’s not realistic, though. I can’t give up everything and just start over.”

What theme do you notice here?

I see a theme of stopping, of cutting off possibility before it can fully be expressed, of throwing cold water on a tiny spark before it can turn into a flame.

Here’s why that is such a big deal:

Not expressing your desire = not exploring it = not planning for it = not acting on it = it never ever happens.

Try this exercise:

1. Pick one of the questions listed above and find a friend to talk it over with.
2. Ask your friend to pay attention to when you shift from expressing your desire back to all the reasons why it won’t work.
3. When your friend notices the shift, ask him or her to interrupt you by saying, “Pause” or whatever works for you. Go back to answering your question.
4. After five minutes, write down all the ways in which you stopped yourself. Look for indicators like "but", "the problem is", "anyway", "realistically". Chances are what comes after those indicators are big red stop lights.
5. For the next 24 hours, notice when you’re stopping yourself.  Look to your actions, your conversations and your inner dialogue.
6. What actions can you take to shift from stopping to starting?
   
   

I'd love to hear what you learn about stopping and starting. Please share your insights!

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