I recently read an Associated Press report that South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, whose parents are both Indian, identified herself as “white” on a voter registration form in 2001.
This story really hit me. As many children of immigrants do, I had my challenges growing up Indian in the middle of America.
To fit in, I pretended my middle name was Marie. I avoided being seen by our neighbors when my parents and I dressed in Indian attire to attend Indian community functions. For the first thirty-two years of my life, I allowed my name to be mispronounced to make it easier for the non-Indians in my life.
In my early thirties, after several a-ha! moments (being laid off, experiencing September 11, realizing my career had overshadowed the rest of my life), I began working with a holistic healer named Marilyn. In our first session, she asked me to say,
“I am an Indian woman.”
This request seemed odd. She was asking me to state the obvious. Yet, I was shocked by how difficult a sentence it was to say. I could barely get it out.
Reading about Governor Haley’s voter registration card made me angry, then sad, then compassionate. I realized I was more like her than I wanted to admit.
I started thinking more broadly about identity and the many ways in which I downplay or deny who I really am. The more I thought about it, the more questions emerged. Consider these questions for yourself:
- How often do I distance myself from my true essence in order to fit in?
-How often do I deny my own voice, even in everyday conversation, to keep the peace?
-How often do I leave a core part of myself behind in the name of what’s expected or appropriate or professional?
-How many times have I downplayed who I really am to get ahead?
I wouldn’t have done what Governor Haley did. But I do recognize the many ways I’ve covered up who I really am in order to meet everyone else’s expectations.
Do you?
I’m honored to have been featured in Pam Schoffner’s latest blog post. Isn’t she the best? I’m inspired by her commitment to helping women succeed and grateful for the help she’s given me.
Would you like a coaching session like the one Pam wrote about? Let’s set one up!
Email me by August 1 and I’ll also include a powerful visioning exercise as a bonus. The visioning visualization will keep you grounded in the present and help you open up to what’s emerging in your future. Very cool.
If you’ve been reading my Facebook updates, you know I lost my phone last Friday and was immediately sent into a tailspin. I promised to blog about what I learned, so here are the three lessons I learned from losing my phone.
One: Memorize important phone numbers. I panicked when I realized I didn’t have my son’s day care number in my head. Before cell phones became ubiquitous, I stored phone numbers in my head effortlessly. Now I have no clue how to reach my mother-in-law at work without technological support.
Lesson learned: I like using my actual brain to store important information. After this incident, I’ve committed to memorizing any phone number I might need in an emergency. What a relief.
Two: It’s fun to ask strangers for help. I went to Hoboken, NJ to visit a colleague and accidentally transposed her address and suite number in my notebook. So I wandered around for a full hour in 90-degree heat trying to find an address that does not exist. In my wandering, I appealed to a firefighter, a gourmet cheese shop owner and a shirtless young man with headphone wires clipped to his nipple for help.
Lesson learned: It was fun! As much as we like to think we are masters of our own destinies, we really are all in this together.
Three: That “thing” is not in your phone! I check my phone countless times a day looking for that “thing” that will excite me, validate me, inspire me or connect me to someone or something I care about. Most of the time that special something isn’t there. And yet, I keep looking.
It’s like pulling the handle on a slot machine. Sometimes I hit the jackpot and there’s something really important or fun or exciting to respond to. But most times, it’s just a lemon, a bell and a bunch of cherries. Nice, but not a winning combination.
Lesson learned: I will now stop for a beat before instinctively checking my phone and ask, What am I looking for? Might I find that sense of connection or inspiration by looking out the bus window or stopping to pet the neighbor’s dog? I will look out and around rather than down and into my phone.
For years I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my to-do list. I love crossing things off. I hate putting things on. Can you relate?
Recently I had an epiphany which prompted me to rethink how I manage my personal and professional to-dos. I now love managing tasks!
My new approach propels me forward. It makes me more efficient and creative. It appeals to my logical side and my quirky side. Want to know how?
Here are my 3 Steps to Loving Your Task List
Step One: Review your tasks and decide whether each is a Microwave Task or a Crock Pot Task.
Microwave tasks can be done quickly with short bursts of energy. I often set a timer (on my microwave, of course) to see how many of these tasks I can cross off in say, twenty minutes. In Myers-Briggs terms, Microwave Mode appeals to the J in me.
Examples of microwave tasks include returning short emails and phone calls, cleaning the bathtub, making a grocery list, editing a document.
Crock pot tasks can and should be left alone for periods of time. My approach here is to explore, experiment, play, improvise. Then I let it cook some more. In Myers-Briggs terms, Crock Pot Mode appeals to the P in me.
Examples of crock pot tasks include writing blog posts, brainstorming ideas for a birthday party, creating new coaching programs, researching which stroller to get, preparing for sessions with my clients.
Step Two: Put your Microwave Tasks on a traditional to-do list and joyfully cross them off as you complete them.
Step Three: Put your Crock Pot Tasks into an actual TASK CROCK POT. Here’s a photo of mine.
Write your Crock Pot tasks down on small papers and put them in. Decide how often you’ll check it. I check mine weekly. When you check it, ask yourself the following questions:
Is it (or a piece of it) ready to go on the microwave list?
If not, what else needs to modified (if anything) before it goes back in the crock pot?
Is the task still relevant or resonant? Do you still care about it?
Based on your answers, a task can stay in the crock pot, move to the microwave or be discarded.
What I Love About this System
I don’t fight with my to-do list anymore. I enjoy zapping through Microwave tasks and lingering with Crock Pot tasks.
I feel calmer, more productive, more in control.
I get more done!
I invite you to….
Grab a bowl and make your own Task Crock Pot. Put those tasks in and let them go. Allow their flavors to develop and evolve on their own. Be surprised by what emerges.
And, as always, let me know how it works for you!
Hoboken, NJ Moms!
Join me at the Metro Mom Expo in Hoboken, NJ on June 11.
I’ll be exhibiting with Ariele Meyers of Ariele’s Apothecary. Ariele is my friend and colleague who is also a gifted acupuncturist.
This is going to be a fantastic event for moms in the Hoboken area and I’m honored to be a part of it.
Are you curious about becoming a coach?
Even if you’ve given it just a passing thought, this FREE intro session on June 6 is for you.
Join me and Richard Michaels for an introduction to Coaching for Transformation, a nine-month, accredited coach training program offered at the New York Open Center.
Not only will you learn about becoming a Certified Professional Coach, you’ll also walk away with new skills that you can apply immediately in your own life.
The nine-month program begins this September. Richard and I will be co-teaching it with Martha Lasley.
To register for the free intro on June 6, click here.
Hope to see you there!
I recently spoke to a woman, ” Marcy”, who just left her job as a chemist. After four years in the workplace and many more in school, she left the career she’d spent years building. Why?
Because being a chemist didn’t fit. Marcy, the consummate people person, hated focusing on data all day long. She realized she couldn’t commit to a career that required her to put her true nature aside. Pretty brave, right?
Early in our conversation, Marcy said, “I need to leave chemistry in the past. It was a waste of time and I can’t wait to move on.”
Whoa! Hold your horses, Marcy!
That’s your failure story.
What’s your success story?
This question stopped Marcy in her tracks. I coached her for a few minutes and here’s what she discovered:
“I did succeed in some ways. I became a scientist and I was good at it. I learned how to approach a problem methodically and with precision. I learned to manage great amounts of data. I know more about science than most people. And when it was time, I left.”
Acknowledging success is Marcy’s first step towards a more empowering view of her days as a chemist. It will help her move forward with strength and confidence. And that will make all the difference as she charts her next move.
Now it’s your turn.
What failure story are you telling yourself? Maybe it’s a career misstep or a relationship blunder or a financial mistake. Whatever it is, here’s how you can reframe it:
1. Identify one of your own failure stories. (One of mine is a project from my Human Resources days that I made a mess of. Another is the way I treated one of my dearest friends because of my own insecurity. I have many more and you probably do, too.)
2. Find your successes: What did you learn? What were the best parts of that experience? What are you proud of? (Email me if you’re having trouble with this one. I can help.)
3. How can you build on those elements of success?
4. Rewrite your failure story as a triumphant success. Actually sit down and write it in your journal, on your computer, on the back of a napkin.
5. Practice it. Share with a trusted friend or with me by emailing here. I’d love to hear your story.
Last weekend’s “Whole Again” healing group was such an honor to host. The women who came together to share their stories of healing from Cesarean delivery were beautiful, strong, funny and so honest. I was truly amazed.
The goal of ”Whole Again” is to support women who’ve been challenged by Cesarean delivery. It’s not talked about much, but the emotional scars of a challenging birth can last for months and years after the event. After my own challenging C-section in 2009, I knew I had to do something to give women like me a place to voice their truth.
Each time we meet, there’s a different topic and format. Last Saturday’s was an open format with each woman taking turns telling her story. Then those of us who listened mirrored back to the woman what we heard in her story. It was powerful to hear both the stories and to the acknowledgments of strength, power and success in each woman’s experience.
My goal in this session was for each woman to walk away with a new, more empowering perspective on her birth experience.
Connie (not her real name) realized that she could be kinder to herself if she stopped asking, “Why?” and “What if?” so often.
As with any disappointment in life, the endless questioning can keep us trapped in the experience of feeling helpless and out of control. Connie’s decision to stop asking those unanswerable questions is a big one. It’s going to lift her out of the loop of not-knowing and allow her to focus on the all the wonderful things she DID to take care of her precious baby.
The next “Whole Again” group will be in June in Manhattan. Date TBA. If you’d like to be added to the mailing list, please complete the email sign up form to the right.
Thanks!
A healing circle for women who were challenged by Cesarean delivery
Whether your Cesarean delivery was weeks, months or years ago, you may still feel the after-effects in your body, mind and spirit. You may feel thwarted, silenced, incomplete.
Chances are you long to be heard, supported and understood.
Join this group of women who were challenged by Cesarean birth and wish to honor and heal the experience. Our focus will be three-fold:
- To share our stories in a supportive, safe community
- To be supported without apology or judgment
- To celebrate our strengths and claim the ways we succeeded in our birth experiences
Time: Saturday, May 14 from 10:00am – 11:30am
Place: West 23rd Street, NYC (Exact address will be shared upon registration)
Cost: $17
To register, contact Madhu Maron at 917 306 1341 or madhu@madhucoach.com
A personal note: After my C-section, it felt like the world was saying, “You have a healthy baby. Now move on.” I was inspired to create this group after talking to many other women who felt similarly silenced and unable to fully process their loss.
Here’s Pamela’s spunky take on my favorite topic: women and self-connection.
When Madhu asked me to be her guest writer, my first reaction was “Sweet!” I need a new writing assignment. Then we discussed topics. “My mission is supporting women to courageously put themselves at the center of their lives. It’s all about self-connection,” she told me.
Crap.
She wants me to write a self-help, motivational piece? Do I have to talk about my feelings? I’m not exactly sentimental or spiritual. My idea of therapy is a funky groove, not a support group. And while some may call that yoga-resting pose “meditation”, I call it “disco naptime”. What do I have to contribute to the topic of women’s self-connection and self-centeredness?
Well, now that I think about it…. A LOT. I’m about as self-centered as you can possibly get. I’m single, childless and completely unencumbered. I live alone in a rented space and I’ve got disposable income to blow on shoes, pedicures and artisan cocktails. Perhaps I should be flaunting one of those sparkly It’s all about me tee shirts in celebration of what some have referred to as my “sex-and-the-city” life.
So how does all of this sound to you? Empowering? Trifling? Liberating? Shallow? Resplendent? Lonely? Yes, yep, uh-huh, affirmative, correct, and you’ve got it! It is all of those things, both good and bad.
You may be wondering how a divorced, 37-year old like me finds purpose, love and a connection to others when career and marriage have thus far failed to do so. As women, we often craft our identities based on our domestic or career roles. And let’s face it; society does that to us too. I am not a mother; therefore I must be a “career woman.” This label makes me want to vomit all over my Banana Republic pants suit. Why must I be either?
I certainly do not think a lasting, romantic relationship and a satisfying career is unachievable…but in the meantime, why not focus on the hours spent between corporate drama and partner-less social engagements? There is a continuous plethora of warmth, support and achievement to be obtained through volunteer work, creative exploration, community involvement, social activism, physical fitness, artistic expression, and the list goes on. Having multiple outlets to regularly tap in to, makes a stressed-out supervisor or a disappointing dude feel completely insignificant to the bigger life picture. (nor does it leave you much time to put up with their crap either) My identity is omnivorous and multi-faceted and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
In short, my spunky little write-up is about putting what feels good at the top of your to do list. It’s about “courageously putting yourself at the center of your life. It’s all about self-connection.”
Now, if you’ll excuse me, all this touchy, feely stuff has made me want to belch, eat a bag of Cheetos, and put on some pre-season baseball.
–Pamela Paul is a designer, crafter, health, wellness and environmental supporter, dancer, bike commuter, animal lover and fitness instructor. She is also Twiggie Smalls of the Chicago-based 60’s-style go go troupe The Revelettes.
It's time to get unstuck! Here's how you start: 